Ran Pan
by WhiteBitch
Summary: um......i felt left out when 2 of my frinds did fics like this so i did one! just remember, caffine and wee hours of the morning don't mix. lotsa implications of many kinds. enjoy and R&R!!!!! onegai? oh, and standard disclaimers apply.


This, boys and girls, is the story of Ran Pan. Now, there was a girl named Kamiru Wendy Moyra Angela Darling, whom everyone called Ki for short. She lived with her two brothers Omi and Youji and her dog Ouka. One night Ki was sitting and looking out the window, wishing for some adventure.  
"Ki. Come tuck us in!" demanded the youngest, Omi.  
"Oh, very well. But I'm not telling you a bedtime story." As soon as Ki turned around she felt a breeze. "Just let me close the window."  
Ki gasped when she turned and saw a young man standing in the window. He had red hair and was dressed in black.  
"Oi! Who are you?" Ki demanded of the stranger.  
"I'm Ran Pan." Ran Pan shuddered at the thought and swore vengeance on the author for putting him through this. "And this is my assistant and oracle, Bradleybell."  
Bradleybell appeared over Ran Pan's shoulder dressed in a mini Armoni suit, Italian leather shoes included.  
"Yes, I am Bradleybell. This is my associate Nagi." Nagi appeared next to Bradleybell.  
"According to the ludicrous plot of this story," Ran Pan started. "I am supposed to take you to......" Ran Pan refused to say more.  
  
[Never Never Say Shi-ne Land. If you want to get out of this fic you'll say it.]  
  
"I'm supposed to take you to Never Never Say Shi-ne Land." Ran Pan took Ki's hand. "Bradley bell, you know what to do."  
"Right." Bradleybell adjusted his glasses before addressing Nagi. "Nagi, Use your telekinesis and move us all, the children included, to Never Never Say Shi-ne Land."  
"Yes sir." Nagi concentrated and the next thing anyone knew the group was flying off to Never Never Say Shi-ne Land.  
"The first place we are headed is the Mermaid Lagoon to drop of Youji." Ran Pan said.  
"Yay!" exclaimed Chibi Youji.  
"But everyone knows that the mermaids of Mermaid Lagoon are all old crones. And as for Omi, He's going to the cave where our only computer is kept. And it is the best computer available." Chibi Omi's face glazed over. "And there he will work with our computer specialist Yanagi." The glazed look that Chibi Omi had intensified one hundred fold.  
When the group passed over Mermaid Lagoon they dropped off Youji, literally. Chibi Youji fell one hundred and fifty feet to the lagoon below. With Omi they were more gentile. Nagi set Chibi Omi down carefully before whisking everyone away to the next place.  
"The next stop is the Indian camp where I will introduce you to Chief Kenken and his wife Sei." Ran Pan once again swore vengance on the author.  
  
[Hey now. At least you're with Ki. Who set that up? I did!]  
  
Nagi landed them safely in front of Chief Kenken's tent. An Indian girl came up to the group. She had a dark look on her face.  
"Yuriko, we need to talk to Chief Kenken." Ran Pan started. "Can we see him?"  
"I'm sorry but he's busy at the moment."  
"He's always busy now that he's married to Sei. You'd think he'd have more things to do........" Ran Pan slapped the tent flap as Yuriko walked away muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 'slutty whore'. Quite a few long moments later a disheveled Chief Kenken stuck out his head.  
"What is it-Oh! Ran Pan, how nice to see you! I'll be right out. Just give me a moment...." Chief Kenken disappeared back into the tent. He emerged with his wife, Sei, a few short moments later. Sei smiled.  
"Hello Ran Pan. It's been a while! Where have you been?" It was then that she noticed everyone else. "Oh! Hello Bradleybell, Nagi. Ran Pan, introduce me to this nice young lady."  
"Chief Kenken, Sei, this is Ki. Ki, this is Chief Kenken and his wife Sei." Ran Pan looked at the happy couple and scowled.  
  
[Oh don't worry. You'll get hooked up soon enough Ran Pan. ^__~]  
  
"Sure........you just love torturing me......." Ran Pan muttered.  
  
[Yup! ^_______^ But I haffta make Ki happy or she'll kill me.......]  
  
"How........" Chief Kenken started, holding his hands in a welcoming gesture. "in the seven hells did you pacify Ran Pan?"  
"Um.........I dunno......." Ki admitted.  
"Kenken!" Sei admonished. "Don't be so rude!" She turned back to the tiny group of four. "Bradleybell, your usual mini-tent is ready if you want to work. Nagi, there are some bonfires that need to be lit if you'd like to do that."  
Bradleybell nodded his thanks before flying off to get some work done. Ki could have sworn that she heard him mutter something along the lines of 'I'm finally free of that red-headed Japanese bastard'.  
  
[That's what YOU think Braddikins. Your torture is just beginning .........note that there is no Schu in your tent. *cackles evilly*]  
  
"WHAT!?!" Bradleybell's face contorted in anger. "Damn you to hell you evil American bitch of an author!!!!!"  
  
[I'll look you up when I get there you American bastard. You pathetic excuse for an oracle! The only thing you can see is when the popcorn is going to be ready! You couldn't foresee anything to save your scrawny American ass!]  
  
"At least I have a life!" he retorted.  
  
[Sure. If you call screwing Schu 24/7 a life! At least I have friends!]  
  
"I have friends!" Bradleybell yelled, very pissed off.  
  
[Maybe, but my friends stick around because they like me for who I am not because they're afraid of me! Bradley no baka! You're never gonna have a true friend! Now go on and fantasize new ways of pleasuring Schu while you screw him.]  
  
"Fine!" Bradleybell huffed off to his tent before he broke into tears in public. Everyone else was staring at each other during the little 'tiff' Bradleybell had with the author. Nagi floated off to light some things on fire.  
"Riiiiiiight........" muttered Sei. "Anyway, would you guys like something to eat? Or drink? Maybe an offering to take to Captain Schu when you see him?"  
"Give them the jug of rum. They had better get going or this fic will never end. Not that I have a problem with this one."  
"Me neither." At this point Sei and Chief Kenken started praising the Author.  
  
[Th-that's okay.......As my favorite character, I think Ken should be happy. Not to mention that Sei is my Fanfic counter-part........Ran Pan, I'm going to be nice. Your new fairy person is gonna be Aya-chan.]  
  
Aya-chan flew in out of no-where and landed on Ran Pan's shoulder. She smiled and held on to Ran Pan's earring.  
"Hi!" Aya-chan giggled girlishly. "We should go see Captain Schu now if you want this fic to end!"   
Sei gave Ki a bottle of rum and said her good byes. She then ducked into Chief Kenken's tent, giving Chief Kenken a secretive glance.  
"Right. Well, good bye and good luck!" With that, Chief Kenken ducked into the tent after his wife. Ki and Ran Pan gave each other strange looks.  
"So that's what you ment by 'busy'. You could have warned me." Ki told Ran Pan.  
"Well, let's get going." Aya-chan sprinkled pixy dust on the two humans and they flew off in the direction of the cove.  
  
[Yes, it's real pixy dust. Only Schu would use crack or something like that.]  
  
The now very small group landed on the deck of a huge pirate ship. Asking directions from a passing pirate, Ran Pan; Ki; and Aya-chan went to see Captain Schu. They found him feeding his crocodile, Reiji Takatori.  
"Takatori!!! SHI-NE!!!!!!!!!" Ran Pan shouted, lunging at the crock. All of a sudden the person being fed to the crock, who happened to be Steve Irwin, started commenting.  
"By croiky he's a big one! Hello sweetheart! Ooh, he's such a naughty boy!" To shut him up, Captain Schu threw Steve to the crock. He was eaten immediately. Ki took this chance to pull Ran Pan away from the crocodilian life form.  
  
[Too bad that Steve wasn't Serpy. Ah, what the hell? *throws Serpy to the crock and cackles gleefully at his screams* Now THOSE are good screams! Like Suboshi's! *watches as all the characters twitch*]  
  
"Ran Pan, what are you doing here?" asked Schu's second in command, Farfie.  
  
[And lover might I add? *Bradleybell from some obscure location: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Schu! How could you DO this to me!?! *cackles evilly*]  
  
"Um....." Ran Pan scratched his head, trying to figure out what they were doing on Schu's ship. The bottle of rum in Ki's hand jogged his memory. "That's right! Captain Schu, we offer this very very STRONG rum as a peace offering."  
Farfie took the rum for Schu. Just then an annoying girl latched herself onto Ran Pan. Ran Pan screamed out of pure terror.  
"SAKURA!!!!!"  
  
[Hehehe........yup! Aren't I just so evil? ^___________^]  
  
"Sakura! SHI-NE!!!!" Ran Pan chucked the girl at the crocodile, which promptly ate her up.  
  
[As long as we're feeding the crocodile......*grabs Yuriko, who was going to break up Chief Kenken and Sei's 'fun', and feeds her to the crock* *cackles evilly yet again*]  
  
Captain Schu looked at the rum.  
"We are no longer enemies." he declared. "Come! Let's all get drunk together!" The group drank long into the night, becoming close friends. Eventually Ran Pan and Ki got married and lived happily ever after in Never Never Say Shi-ne Land. But what about Chibi Omi and Chibi Youji you ask.  
Well, Chibi Omi and Yanagi fell in love and they too got married. Chibi Youji spent the rest of his life in his equivalent of hell. The author, taking pity on him, let him go to heaven when he died. The bitch Ouka was eventually shot.  
As for Bradleybell, he sought comfort in Nagi who turned out to be his soul mate. They too lived happily ever after, screwing each other for the rest of their natural lives. Captain Schu and Farfie were left to do whatever they wanted for no one wanted to disturb the insane couple. All in all, everyone had a happy, if somewhat twisted, ending.  
  
[Except for MEEEE!!!! Wait. I got one too. After all Sei is my fanfic counter-part. Never mind. But what about Reiji the crocodile? Suffice to say that Ran Pan now has a nice new pair of boots and quite a few wallets and belts. That's it. The story is over. I might write a sequel. Just to check up on everyone, you know? Oh well. Ja ne minna!] 


End file.
